Valueless Americans Push Crude Oil to New Heights

Following years of reality television, Paris Hilton, and Limp Bizkit, the lack of family values permeating American culture has left an impact on the price of oil. As a story broke regarding the latest news on the most recent O.J. Simpson arrest, it was announced that crude oil is now the most expensive and popular form of oil in the United States. American Idol’s Simon Cowell, who is neither American nor an idol, explained America’s fascination with crude oil. “I don’t mean to be rude, but Americans are finally indulging in their repressed sexuality by embracing crude oil. It is sticky, dark, and thick, which helps explain why Star Jones has been embraced by America. Clearly, more repressed oils like heating oil or vegetable oil just cannot provide Americans with the dirt that they crave,” said Cowell.

As crude oil prices climbed to a record high of over $86 per barrel, many prominent Americans evaluated the impact of crude oil prices on American culture.

Television news anchor and culture warrior Bill O’Reilly expressed his disgust at the news that some Americans prefer crude oil. O’Reilly stated, “The very values that created America are under attack. A select few Americans perpetuate the belief that it’s cool to be crude. Traveling the country promoting my new book Culture Warrior, I’ve been pleasantly surprised to see that not everyone embraces crude oil. For example, I was at a gas station in Harlem and I was shocked to find that African Americans weren’t asking for some motherf*cking crude oil. Honestly, it was no different than asking for oil in a predominantly Caucasian neighborhood.” O’Reilly smiled as he ordered some motherf*cking iced tea at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem.

Although the recent demand for crude oil has concerned some Americans, others point out that the demand has created a market for alternative forms of oil. Scheduled to be released before the end of the calendar year are Dude Oil, an oil for homosexual men and Prude Oil, which will only be sold at local monasteries.

Disclosure: Behind closed doors, I prefer my oil crude.

Noah is the author of Noah Lot More, a satirical blog providing tens of people with instant intelligence. To Noah Lot More than you currently know, check out his site at:

Photo:stevegarfield, Creative Commons, Flickr